how do you keep your mind open and your mouth shut

Seems like an age, and it's that time again....

2012-02-09T01:04:00.000Z

Haven't thought of this in a good long time, this blog I mean, not so much preoccupied as just either too lax, or too tense. Also SKYRIM! I can't say enough about this game, sucks me in, though it's acquisition caused a stir, won't get into it, as I myself described it, it's trivial. but one good thing happened, a very good friend, who has a history of events going wrong, drama etc actually had a good night for their birthday, I should know, I was there :) I love them dearly as a great friend, and was quite pleased that they were able to enjoy themselves and not have any worries whatsoever, I myself felt sort of out of place that night as i was the only one there that was single, was kinda bummed out when I realised, had to start drinking and shake the cloud off of my head, needed to forget my status in the group of eternal singularity, not that there were a huge amount of us, a mere handful, but it was enough to have fun and be jovial and drink, first place was ok, music was pretty decent, but the guys got bored, I was game, I was happy to go anywhere that drink flowed and we just so found the place I found myself actually quite at home in, music was excellent, drink prices were brilliant, and I did indeed reach my goal of intoxication. when the time came to go home, I got into the taxi, and the usual rambling drunk talk to the taxi driver, and I reckon these guys usually enjoy this, after I got out and stumbled to the homestead, got home, I resumed rambling to my parents, my voice I remember was comically slurred, and I had gotten to the stage of the tired heaviness, aptly timed as usual for when I get home. I then woke up to no hangover, a fry and was on a high for the next week or two, though this week I think I'm crashing, oh joy, and also, guess what's next week? yup, Valentine's Day. Another time of me moping, although, one good friend right now may have something up his sleeve, if ya do, I'll love ya forever.
Peace Out.

Well now...

2011-12-06T23:17:00.000Z

Seems I'm over it or at least a large portion of it, I think as usual, it'll get even easier with time. I used to tense up and just be pure anger and not concentrate on anything but the thing, but I've noticed over the past wee while, it hasn't happened, good sign eh? So Christmas is coming, really soon, EVERYONE'S turning 18, which is good one way, sort of annoying in another. Money is so hard to stretch, I really don't want to disappoint my friends, but I have had to prioritize who's party I'm going to, but I've made a promise to myself and them that when I can, I SHALL join them for a party some night this year if it kills me.
ALSO, I don't think I'm AS bad as I was before with singlehood, though it doesn't mean I would refuse an offer of someone pretty and genuinely nice, there are those I would so gladly have, though I'm no barbarian I'm nice XD but I digress, there are one or two parties coming up, ample opportunities I'd guess, wish me luck, Peace.

And another thing...

2011-10-23T01:43:00.001+01:00

I do not want to be alone on Valentine's day, i do not want to be inside like it's just another regular day, and i don't know if i want to be sober either, i never have looked forward to Valentine's day, but the past few years it's been getting harder and harder to deal with.

What do I want?

2011-10-23T01:39:00.000+01:00

What do i want? as a living breathing animal, i need food and water - sustenance
as a child/teenager/young man my studies and teachers -education
as a person, i need friends and family - security
as a soul, i need someone - love
i have all these but one, can you guess which? know me and you can guess in an instant, if you don't, just read on down the older blog posts (this is the first in months) i want the thing i never had, well, i had a taste shall we say, lets say this taste was left in my mouth and has become a dead, bitter and sometimes agonizing taste, what i want is something new, something sweet and above all something that give back what is given, i think this sounds selfish personally, but all one can really think of is one's self at the end of the day, though i am quite selfless in my actions a lot of the time, in my opinions my thoughts are some of the most selfish ever thought, to want to be wanted, to be cared for, and to be the one being comforted for once, to be the one getting the loving hug when i'm the one in tears, to be the one who doesn't have to put a brave face on it all the time, i may be a man, but i am a hu(man) and we all feel emotions, sadness, regret, jealousy and euphoria and happiness, i once discussed with a friend that it's all just a chemical reaction anyway, that may be so, i may not believe in any higher beings, but i do believe in feeling emotions as more than just some electricity and fluids in the brain, they're there for a reason. i sound quite good at being pathetic. i want the mind to be at ease, but the heart is quite the bully when in distress, the mind has to come after, this is deeper than sadness, this is deeper than distress, it's a little of both, this is loneliness, i could have a large crowd of friends around and feel happy enough, but then when everyone's gone, i'm still just me on my own, just me my shadow and my reflection, all the company i ever have eternal, nothing or no one else is ever that close, my heart has a key, the one who can find it, can have the key, that is until/if they lose it again, all i am is i and there's no one i'd rather be, but i'd rather not be alone, i have no connections other than blood, i'm a human island, occasionally visited by friends and family, but at the end alone, distant, doomed for an eternal existence of solitude and emptiness.

wee rant :P

2011-08-06T01:13:00.000+01:00

ok, so, girls always say they want a "nice" guy, they want some one who can make em laugh, they want someone who cares, someone who listens, maybe some sensitivity, sound familliar to anyone? I'M RIGHT HERE.

What are they??

2011-07-28T16:14:00.000+01:00

these things i feel, i get them every day, they make me do things, they make me look at things a certain way, i cannot escape them, when i dream, they are heightened, when i'm awake they toy with me inside my head, they can bring me up as high as the clouds, but can just as quickly bring me down and hurt me, they can have me everywhere at once, they can have me feel shattered into pieces. Where do they come from? Who khows....
they all seem like a lie, like they're just there to distract me, yet i cannot escape them, they are a part of me, sometimes i want to SCREAM, but no, can't disturb the neighbors, heavens no, but where to put it, i don't know where they come from, or where they will ever lead me, can't i just be rid of them? i feel as though i am powerless against them, but sometimes they themselves give me power, but not always for the right reasons, i find it a bad idea to follow their lead, sometimes it is very hard not to, as they can be the only ones speaking to me at times, where are they? where are they coming from? why do they want me? why do i need them when they bring me sych trouble? do i need help? or do i need to just fade away?

time for something, for something to kick out the old and bring itself in from the new ;D

2011-07-16T04:35:00.000+01:00

after a party tonight, a friend's 18th, i saw something in me that was new, different, something entirely ENTIRELY different, i don't even know what it was, i drank, i drank, i danced for short periods, i had fun :) now, the past month has been a pain in my arse, it was good but not easy, now i feel i am definately coming out of it :) saw someone i always admired, always liked the look of but when i tried to make them laugh, it just never happened in the past, i dunno if they disliked me or not or whether or not they just thought i was a melter but tonight when it all went badly for them, i showed my caring side and i think i must've helped :) next? time will tell........

ALOT HAS HAPPENED

2011-07-01T04:24:00.000+01:00

Back to single hood, it's been just over a week and a half, i get a message about a break, something breaks alright. Me. I break down, I choke up, i hit rock bottom, unwittingly take a few others with me (very sorry about that) lost a few friends along with the aftermath of the breakup, not great when they are the one's trying to help me cope, something we did was stupid, thing that were said were stupid, a fierce retalliation and a backlash even worse, luckily for monday, oh monday a bonus, then thursday, back to school, briefly, informally, free pizza :). Many people turned to, many questions back and forth, a maze and a mind, one and the same, as many walls to hit as there are doors to open, then a slight breakthrough, slow but good progress, time was given, then after a time of times, contact re established. this is all new ground, many questions still left to answer, many i wonder if they are best left untouched or not, some i must know the answer to some i would like to and some are just there to bother me but all questions none the less, but i thank all those who have supported me through all of this, friends, relatives and "family" (this blog's prompter of creation) and all those who have. some things seem to be slowly coming together, others still a mystery. as they say, only time will tell.

first in ages....

2011-05-27T11:44:00.000+01:00

i haven't blogged in ages, partly coz i kinda forgot about it and partly because I'm SO FUCKING HAPPY! :) i do this now because i can't really go on my Xbox and my gamer tag is elsewhere (I'll get to that later) but the last 2 weeks or so have been generally amazing, relationship-wise school has been up and down, with the Media Studies test being cool and amazing, and the ICT exam wrecking my sanity (ultimately failed...) but thanks to the little one who is like a sister to me, i found out something amazing, and i only found out out of a twitch of curiosity, and asked the little one to check it out for me as i knew she knew the person, my curiosity turned into reality, at first i was unsure at what to do, but i decided to roll with it, (best decision of my life so far) and after that outside school, life has been so amazing, so happy, so content and so completely the opposite of some of my previous posts on this blog with regarding loneliness, i have found that person to give myself to, and to get the same back, shes not what i expected, and I'm glad of that, it keeps things fun, and I'm just SO happy, was at her house last night, we played a few games lol, i tried my best to kill George A. Romero on Call Of The Dead for her (was'nt happening) so we gave up on that and played some Mortal Kombat, that was really fun, then grandmother Marnie invited me to play halo and so i did, and i kinda did'nt know who i was talking to while on it with them, as i had one ear with a mic on it and one free ear to listen to her, so alot of the time i was'nt entirely sure who i was responding to, and marnie noticed that we were talking away to eachother, it was funny, gave me a smirk, and then it was time to go, a kiss and a hug, grabbed my memory stick form her Xbox without realising i had to then extract my gamertag from her xbox back into the memory stick, which is why Xbox is so pointless now as i have no online account to speak of on my Xbox atm so it was a bit of a fail when i returned home to find that i had no gamertag to sign into but i shall retrieive it today when i will go back to her house and hopefully come out with her with me back to mine :). this may be the last blog in a while also ha ha but happy is good.

ALSO, BIG SHOUT OUT TO THE ONE WHO DID THIS FOR ME, I WILL REPAY YOU!!

Music

2011-05-15T12:47:00.000+01:00

i have a main forte' in music, my staple music is good ol' fashioned rock & roll, hard rock etc, but, i also enjoy the swinging Frank Sinatra, and a dab of Robbie Williams, and Will Smith lol, its not much but its a nice change when i need it, i also enjoy halo music, its a bit of a guilty pleasure but we all have them hehe

some things you just don't expect................

2011-05-15T11:00:00.000+01:00

something happened yesterday (well, sorta the day before, but i did'nt know for sure so i just kinda ignored it) its one of those things that you don't expect, i first heard from the youngest, it seemed like good news, then around an hour or so later, the oldest told me it ended, and that i was never informed of anything (as usual) it was the time between the confirmation and the news of the separation that really got to me, she seemed totally fine with it and had her mind made up, i admire her for that, i told her i did, the event shook me, and continued to do so for a while, i could'nt even concentrate on my beloved halo, now it is the day after, now the pieces are scattered all around, and i await the aftermath.............................

i'm a soppy bastard and i know it

2011-05-14T01:42:00.000+01:00

(this is gonna be 2 things, one thing for someone else that i said i'd do and one thing i'm gonna do for myself)

Crazy Lady is gone away.
she likes what i say, likes what i do, and what i listen to, we laugh we cry, that crazy lady is thy, shwa jittery and flittey, she ain't the biggest or the loudest but has got a massive heart, she does her thing, i do mine, and then she likes mine, we spreken often, and at length we know the stuff no one else does, we feel alike how no one else does, now she goes away, to do that thing she strives to do, i have yet to strive, i'm in a dive, someone gimmie five, hug me,need me plant that seed in me, let the dove, fly for love, let the Crazy Lady fly the coop, and make the masses whoop!

can one alone be happy? can one's own thoughts be equal and fair? can a heart be honest with the mind and vice-versa? can happiness be true? can it turn from blue? the couples around, so happy, so sound, i stand alone, no sholder to cry on, just a bed to lie on, all these things, one alone, just me, just my feeble thoughts in my overpacked mind, have i given up? have i even began to start? the thoughts rush to the head, and shamble off of the tongue, garbled by the emotion and the pain that is alone, the smile that never grew, the eyes that sparkle just one in a blue, the heart that beats and beats, as just to sustain life but not to love, the doubt seems to outweigh the hope, if ever there was, a short lifetime, a small one indeed, but enough to ponder, who shall it be? will it be for me? will there ever be a "we"?

the story of the saddest day of my life, the day i became alone, the day my best friend died ;'(

2011-05-09T02:25:00.000+01:00

the day before, he was completely normal, had his sandwich, his dinner and all that, but the next morning, dad woke me up and told me "Captain's on his last legs" i told him "no, no, hes fine, shut up!" he just walked out of my room and i bolted out, and there, lying at the bottom of the stairs was my dog, on his side, unable to get up, fear in his eyes, i turned away, i couldn't look, i decided to get ready for school, and i came down, and went into the kitchen and demanded that my dad do something, he just said there was nothing he could do, and there was captain still at the bottom of the stairs, still on his side, panting, squirming, dying, my dad held him in his arms and comforted him as he licked him, and i watched from a distance in the kitchen with mum, and then he stopped moving, in dad's arms and dad brought his head up to meet our gaze and said those 2 words i never wanted to hear "he's dead" i couldn't stay in the house, i had to get out, i went to school but i never planned to stay all day, i said to dad could i get out early, he said "of course son", i got the bus with the usual crowd, my mates Chrissy and mark, i was quieter than usual, they noticed, when they asked i just told them, "captain's dead" and they both said they were sorry, i thanked them for their kind words, when i got to school i was very quiet, i had just came to get stuff done, i left at around half way through the day, on my way out, my year head and English teacher met with me, he completely understood what i was going through and that he had a dog that died in the past too, when i left him i just happened to meet Tammy & Megan, and i told them and Megan gave me a hug and it helped, Tammy hugged me too, then we parted ways and they wished me well, my journey home lasted what felt like years, when i got in, i just made my way to the sofa and broke down, my face was like a waterfall of tears, i was like that for an hour or so, it was the saddest day of my life, i had lost my best friend, i later heard that some of the other kids in my form class couldn't understand why i had to leave because my dog had died, i pity them, but i thank everyone who helped me that day, and will always be grateful to them for helping me feel OK

another day another arguement :S

2011-05-07T02:30:00.000+01:00

another arguement to put on the list, but this time i got out of it, scot free, in the middle but not on fire or nothing :) yay :D

just a wandering thought

2011-05-06T00:54:00.000+01:00

there are many long words in our dictionary, long, big and some hard to pronounce, but some of the most used and meaningful are the small ones, a lot of them as little as 4 letters, we all know them, we all use them to varying degrees, one or two i think are overused, and overuse of something starts to make it lose it's meaning and importance, thes 4 letter word have been, in the past, wetn to war over, murdered over, stolen over. we don't fully understand it ourselves sometimes, sometimes we wish to find it, we seek it so hard but to no avail, what can we do? i refer back to an earlier post about contradicting sayings, i shall let you ponder which to take, but the point is, small words have more meaning than long ones, in our hearts, maybe thats what it is, the big complicated words belong in our minds, but the small 4 lettered ones remain in the heart, where they are needed......

just something cool

2011-05-05T23:57:00.000+01:00

ever look in the mirror and notice that your eyes follow it? if not go look, its quite cool once you notice it, also the intensity of one's eyes are quite a nice thing to notice when given the time

another thing

2011-05-02T16:57:00.001+01:00

another account made, once again, Marnie's doing lol

hmmmmm (thoughts)

2011-05-02T03:06:00.000+01:00

i often ponder things, little things, meaningless things, but i ponder them all the same, things like the many sayings we have, such as the one that goes "good things come to those who wait" i feel i've been waiting a long time, then comes the contradictory saying "don't let the world pass you by" or something of that kinds, they contradict eachother so much that i sometimes wonder why they exist, and if i ever will find that one thing i've been waiting for, that other person who can be the better part of me, the one who likes me for me and i can do the same for them, i feel i've been waiting all my life, i've been told i've been getting more agressive in the past while, is that good for a usually passive person? does having a drive make one agressive? and is it a good thing or a bad thing? i don't notice it myself but i must give it off in some way, maybe, maybe its how i walk, how i speak to and of people, even my stance? so to wait or to go, i still don't know what i'm doing :S but who does these days, easter has been gd, then Mayday and then the rest of it, then........................................Summer :-|

My mind is a minefield, and it turns out there were no mines :S

2011-05-01T02:03:00.000+01:00

i had something crazy on my mind earlier in the week, i thought some crazy shit went down, that things i thought i might have said, it was all because something major happened, a fissure of bonds, one side seemed happy enough, and the other, i did'nt hear from the other for a day 3/4 and my mind had me as paranoid as hell, and a few small, silly things, grew to massive sizes in my mind, but.... Today, was a great day, my mind was doing that thing where it tries to fuck me over or something, but when i saw my buddies, it was all gone, washed away, never happened, and then the alcohol :-) i love it so, it makes happiness happier, we had laughs, we played hide and seek and all i found was bunny wabbits :p i sobered up, and they were still bouncing around that forest, it was good though, and after a long walk and the POSITIVELY WORST gravy-chip i had ever had the misfortune to order, it was good to get back to the home base, (glad it was only £2, you get what you pay for, i know this) good night, many laughs all very good, happiest blog in a while i'd say YAY

a body of lies

2011-04-23T02:52:00.000+01:00

a fairly good night, little drink, did'nt get drunk even though i wanted to, and with a friend, who i'm fairly close with and always have a laugh with, just her and her mum and briefly her sister, and the one person missing tells many lies of where they are and what they're doing, and then when asked about it, get all defensive and try to turn it on me and her, wrecked from the whole thing, now...... sleep

Donnie Darko

2011-04-22T04:15:00.000+01:00

the film that you notice something new every time you watch it :-) and the amazing song "Mad World" is in it :D almost the perfect movie with minimal special effects (there are a few but less than some out there like)

answer to my last post..............

2011-04-21T18:54:00.000+01:00

my head is bored, an afternoon nap revealed that i had nothing more on my mind than last year's drama and yorkshire puddings (coincidence or not i had toad in the hole for dinner, a form of yorkshire pudding that has sausages through it) as i was sitting eating dinner with my drama teacher last year and we talked random crap and the subject of yorkshire puddings came up and he said he did'nt like them, dunno if that was a waste of a dream or not Xp

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

2011-04-21T15:37:00.000+01:00

love sleep, makes my life it does, the freedom of dreams, how good it can be, just to escape inside one's own mind. it's what keeps me sane knowing i can just be me on the outside and be even bigger me inside my head/dreams, i have'nt specifically remembered any dreams in ages but i would like to, just to see what my head is up to when i'm not in full control (and hopefully not regret it)

first thing's first

2011-04-20T16:31:00.000+01:00

thanks to good ol' Marnie, i have a new ranting spot :D lol dunno if this'll be a frequent thing or not but if it is thats what it'll be haha :)